


5 Ships and 'ships Jack Harkness Stumbled Into

by Rinkafic



Series: Crossovers [2]
Category: Torchwood
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-10
Updated: 2012-08-10
Packaged: 2017-11-11 20:54:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/482797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rinkafic/pseuds/Rinkafic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This was a bit of fun dropping Jack into other fandoms: Firefly, Red Dwarf, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Battlestar Galactica and Farscape.</p>
            </blockquote>





	5 Ships and 'ships Jack Harkness Stumbled Into

The quartermaster at the Time Agency staunchly refused to replace his malfunctioning wristband, claiming that vortex manipulators were expensive, and Jack should have taken better care not to spill his drinks on his unit. Jack didn’t bother telling him what really had spilled all over it, causing it to short out on occasion. Being a resourceful individual, Jack left the quartermaster’s office, his mind already working out a scam plan to steal obtain a new one. He might even be able to get his fixed, if he could get to a technician somewhere in the time streams that didn’t hate him, there had to be a few... one at least... maybe.

His band chimed, he had a new mission. Someone in possession of some kind of a time device had gone trophy hunting in prehistoric North America again. Playing park ranger in the jurassic age wasn’t Jack’s idea of a good time, but the job was the job. He acknowledged receipt of the mission with a push of a button and then set the coordinates. Glancing down at his clothing, he decided that he shouldn’t need any special equipment, it was a milk run to chase poachers. His regular clothes would do, besides, he liked the long, dark, military coat - it was cool.

 

~2158 AD~  
Usually, the vortex manipulator provided for a smooth transition from one moment to the next, a step through a door, so to speak. This time, the malfunctioning unit dropped Jack on his ass from up near ceiling height. He let out a pained yelp as he landed, hard. He stood and looked around, rubbing his sure to be bruised posterior. “This is not ancient America,” he muttered. This was, in fact, anything but; this was a spaceship. To the best of his knowledge, dinosaurs did not have spaceships.

He crept silently along the passageway, spaceships had crews and generally in Jack’s experience, stowaways were frowned upon. It was best not to get caught before his unit recharged fully and he could leave. Besides, this ship might belong to the poachers he was after. It would be best to investigate.

“Hands up, I said!” There was a scuffling and Jack heard a voice snarl a bit further down the way. He peered around the edge of the hatchway frame and saw half a dozen people kneeling in the center of the cabin while armed men circled them. One of them swiped the butt of his weapon against the head of a blond man that apparently didn’t move fast enough, knocking him unconscious to the floor.

“Smooth move, I hope you assholes know how to fly, you just cold-cocked our pilot!” A dark haired man in suspenders snapped. “Zoe, is he okay?”

“Don’t move!” one of the armed men ordered, but a dark skinned woman ignored him and skirted to the fallen pilot’s side and checked him over. She nodded silently and returned to her place with the other hostages.

Jack didn’t like bullies, and the ones doing the menacing seemed like thugs to him. He decided to listen a little longer to see what was up. He peered back around the hatchway to get another look at the big guy in the brown shirt and suspenders. Then he forced his mind back to thinking of what to do about his situation.

“Where is it?” one of them demanded of a blond girl in overalls at the edge of the group. She whimpered as he grabbed a handful of her hair and shook her. When several of the other hostages moved, the assailant held his weapon to her head, forcing them back into place. “I will start with her, Captain Reynolds, and I will kill each of them unless you tell me where the package is. I shall count to five, and then I will put a hole in her pretty little face.”

“I told you, it was already delivered!” So, brown shirt was the Captain.

“One.”

Jack pulled his revolver and checked the chamber. Six bullets, six thugs, good odds, considering he had the element of surprise on his side.

“Two.”

He leaned around the door and sighted on the one doing the counting and shaking the blond that was now clutching at his hands, desperately trying to get loose as the other looked on in terror. The look on Reynold’s face told Jack he wasn’t lying, whatever these guys wanted, it wasn’t on this ship anymore.

“Three.”

Jack pulled the trigger and then targeted the guy that had downed the pilot, as good a second shot as any. The two men hit the deck, clean headshots taking them out before anyone in the cabin knew what was happening. He took down a third and was aiming at the forth when the crew surged up and tackled their remaining three captors. Jack put his gun up, not needing to take another shot.

Captain Reynolds stood and looked around, searching for the source of their unexpected rescue. “Hey, come on out, we don’t want any more trouble!”

Dangling his gun on the crook of his forefinger, Jack stepped through the hatchway, his other hand up where they could see it. “No trouble. Just trying to help. The little lady obviously didn’t know where whatever they wanted was.”

“She didn’t, we really did deliver it. Do you always shoot first?” Captain Reynolds asked, crossing the cabin to give Jack an up and down glance. Then another, slower, more appraising look.

Jack smiled. “Depends. Captain Jack Harkness. Call me Jack.” He stuck his hand out.

“Captain Mal Reynolds. Thanks for the assist, Jack.” Reynolds met his eyes and the handshake was a little longer and the slide on the release a little more touchy than the usual handshake.

“Been out here long, Captain?”

“Mal. Yeah, it’s been a long time. You’re not a hijacker, are you, Jack? I would really hate to find out you just saved us so you could skin us yourself.”

“Nah, just passing by, Mal. A little malfunction of my machinery.” He held up his wrist and tugged down his sleeve to show his wristband. “Seemed a little unfair to me.It bugged me that he was picking on the girl, and this being your ship and all, I decided I’d side up with you.”

Reynolds looked over to where his crew were finishing tying up their former captors, then looked back at Jack, this time, there was no mistaking the interest in his eyes. “You know, I like you Jack, you’re a pretty stand up guy.”

The crew of Serenity were grateful for Jack’s interference in the hijacking. He was welcomed aboard and they fed him. He was offered a berth in a passenger cabin, but he preferred spending his stay with Reynolds. Some of the others on the ship made him a little nervous, so he stuck close to Mal.

Reluctantly, he had to leave, he did still have poachers to chase down in One-Day-This- Will-Be-Nebraska. Understanding the call of duty, Mal didn’t make the parting hard, and he made it abundantly clear that the door was open if Jack ever happened to be passing by again.

 

~3 Million Something or Another AD~  
If it were not for quick reflexes, Jack would have landed on his head. Instead, he landed on his hands and rolled into a tumblesault.

When he sat up, he was being stared at by a handsome black man, who grinned broadly and started to applaud. “That was good! Do that again!”

Standing up and dusting himself off, Jack shook his head. “I’m not sure I could just now.” He squinted, the guy had fangs, he was sure of it.

“Oh. that’s too bad. Where’d you come from?”

“Most recently? A serenity cruise, you might say. Before that, the head office in Brussels. Where’d I end up this time? Because this is not a jurassic park and you don’t look much like a poacher.”

“Nah. This is a mining ship. Not a lot of live people around here.” The man reached out and poked Jack in the ribs. “You are alive, right?”

“Yes, I am. Captain Jack Harkness. Please stop poking me.”

“I’m Cat. You’re pretty. I like your coat, can I have it?”

Jack smiled and shook his head. “Sorry, I’m rather attached to it.”

“Oh, too bad. Can I have you? You’re hot and I’m gorgeous. Pretty people should be together.”

He burst out laughing, not used to such an openly honest come on. “We’ll see about that. You said this is a mining ship?”

“Yeah, the Red Dwarf.”

“Are you in charge?”

“No one’s in charge. But most of the ship is mine, I’ve claimed it, so it is.”

It came to Jack suddenly, the guy was felis sapiens, he’d encountered a few in Earth’s future, beings evolved from cats. It explained the attitude as well as Cat’s name, appearance and mannerisms. Jack had to admit to himself that he was a little curious about that proposition, he’d never been with anyone outside his own species before.

He wouldn’t have a chance to take Cat up on it. His wristband began to beep and he felt the vortex form around him. “Sorry Cat, maybe next time.”

 

~Somewhen~  
The man sitting on Jack’s chest had two heads. He blinked and checked again. Yes, two heads and three arms.

“Probability factor at 6,473 to seven eighths against one, and falling,” a feminine voice sang over an intercom.

“Where am I?”

“On the floor, under me. Comfy?”

“No, as a matter of fact. Please get off,” Jack tried to be polite, but he was being crushed.

“Zaphod don’t you dare!” Another man exclaimed and then crouched beside him. He possessed the proper number of heads and arms. “You’re not dangerous, are you? You see, we’re not going to let you up if you’re suddenly going to go killing us all in a violent rage.”  
“That’s highly unlikely,” Jack said, squirming to try to get out from under Zaphod.

Zaphod gave a little bounce - which made Jack grunt - and then exclaimed, “Ah, but see, that is the beauty of the infinite improbability drive! I like this guy!” Jack tried shoving at him, but he was firmly in place.

“Probability factor at 4,546 to nine against kumquats and falling,” chimed the happy voice from above.

“I promise I am not going to hurt anyone.”

“Well that takes all the fun out of it.” Zaphod gave one more bounce then stood up. “I don’t like you as much anymore.”

The man beside him gave Jack a hand up. “Hullo. I’m Ford. Who are you?”

“Jack. I need to go.” His stomach was sore from all the bouncing. He tapped his fingers against his vortex manipulator and gave his wrist a shake. “Really need to go,” he muttered as a man in a bathrobe wandered into the room, looking lost.

Zaphod threw himself at a chair and hit it then looked at Jack. “What’s your hurry? Things were just getting interesting. Don’t go, there might be penguins any time now.”

“Penguins?” Jack looked around the white ship in utter confusion. The white walls made him suspect he might have landed in a mental ward somewhere.

“The Heart of Gold is prone to penguins around the two thousand mark,” Ford informed him, as if the statement made complete and perfect sense.

“From where?”

Ford tapped his finger on his chin. “Antarctica, I believe.”

“Look I need to go... hunt dinosaurs,” Jack finished lamely, waving a hand.

“Too late! Missed them at the twenty five thousand mark!” Zaphod crowed, spinning his chair around in circles. Jack was giving more credence to the mental ward theory, serious credence.

“Peanut butter smoothies to One thousand, seven hundred and thirty and falling.”

Both of Zaphod’s heads frowned. “Damn, no penguins.”

“Just as well, they mess the floor,” commented the man in the bathrobe.

‘Shut up monkey man! I like the penguins.”

“So you’ve said,” remarked bathrobe Guy dryly.

“Could you drop me somewhere? I’ll find my own way home,” Jack asked Ford, the more sensible of the three people in the room.

Ford just shook his head and smiled a very sultry smile at Jack. Uh oh, Jack knew that look. He used that look all the time. He did not want to see that look here in this crazy place! He started to back away from Ford, who was licking his lips and advancing on him. When Jack backed up against a console, Ford leapt at him forcefully, entwining his arms around Jack’s neck and his legs around Jack’s waist.

“Well, I never saw that coming,” Zaphod remarked from beside them.

“And you with four eyes? Blame improbability,” Bathrobe Guy said with a snort. “Ford, do get down, stop embarrassing yourself.”

The happy voice said, “Probability at 591 to one fifth and dropping.”

“I don’t want him to go!” Ford cried, clinging tight to Jack. “I like him.”

“Probability at 428 to one and falling.”

Jack tried to pry Ford off him. “What happens when the probability reaches zero?” Jack asked, sighing when Ford would not be put off. He was nuzzling Jack’s neck. Ordinarily, Jack would not have minded the attention, but he did have some standards, and taking advantage of the mentally deranged was below them.

“You’ll probably go poof,” Zaphod answered, unconcerned by the prospect.

“Probability at 100 to one and falling.”

“Poof!?!” Jack exclaimed, looking at Bathrobe Guy.

With a shrug, Bathrobe Guy replied, “The penguins always do.”

“Probability equalized. Now returning to normal.”

 

~5438 BC~  
He was getting the damned wristband replaced, even if he had to steal the quartermaster’s right off his damned wrist. He landed hard on his back on a hard metal grate.

“Where the frak did you come from?”

He opened his eyes and there was a weapon pointed at his nose. The woman standing over him holding the gun did not look like the type to be swayed by his charm. She wore a uniform and the patch on her sleeve said “Galactica.” But he tried to charm her anyway.

“Would you believe Cleveland?”

The cold metal tip of the weapon pressed against the tip of his nose.

“Thought not. I’m a little lost.”

Before he had time to blink, his gun was taken from him and he was being frog-marched along a corridor. The woman shoved him and he landed on his knees inside what was obviously a detention cell.

“Some welcome,” he muttered, rolling over to sit on the floor.

“They aren’t very friendly to new people. Come to think of it, they aren’t too friendly with old people either.” Jack glanced over his shoulder and saw a blond woman sitting on a bunk behind him. She waved a hand dismissively. “Everyone’s a cylon these days, you know. Skin jobs pretending to be human.”

“I’m not,” Jack assured her. “How do I prove it?”

She leaned back on her elbows and gave him a twisted grin. “Die.”

“Very funny.”

“No, really. Die. If you’re human, you’ll stay dead. If you aren’t, you’ll come back.”

He stood up and walked around the cell, examining the walls. “Seems like a rather extreme method of verifying guilt or innocence to me.”

“Far as I know, it’s the only way to prove it.”

After rattling the wire wall and door and finding it quite secure, Jack walked over and sat beside the woman on the bunk. “What are you in for?”

“I’m a cylon.”

“No, really, why are you locked up?”

“Suspicion of being a cylon.”

This line of questioning was going nowhere. “Where are we?”

“The detention level. Did they hit you on the head or something?”

“The detention level of what?” He felt the floor beneath his feet begin to thrum. “Is this a ship? Are we on a ship?”

Her eyes went wide and she edged away from him. “What are you saying? Did you just suddenly wake up here?”

“Well, yeah,” Jack admitted.

She leapt up off the bunk and charged to the door. “Guards! Guards! Let me the frak out of here! You put a real frakking cylon in here with me, you bastards!”

Oh, this was not good. He was not making friends here. Time to go.

He checked the power level on his vortex manipulator, luckily they hadn’t taken it from him. He might have enough juice for a jump, maybe enough to get out of the cell before his panicked cell mate brought the authorities down on him. He didn’t feel like dying to prove his innocence. It wasn’t like he had nine lives like a cat. Screw his mission, he’d hole up somewhere and wait to recharge, he could get to the jurassic age later.

He heard loud footsteps. Giving his weapon up as lost, he activated the vortex manipulator.

 

~2007~  
Jack’s ears were ringing. He also felt completely boneless and a bit floaty.

“He’s not dead, stop poking him, grandma. Pip, back up and give him room.””

The replies to that were unintelligible. He opened his eyes to see a very pale face topped by wild white hair mere inches from his face. At least this face was smiling. And cute.

“I’m not a cylon! I don’t care what anyone says, I’m not a cylon!”

“Well, no one said you were, buddy, whatever it is. 1812, hit him with some translator microbes, will ya?” A needle slid into Jack’s hip, right through his trousers. “You should understand people now.”

The girl with the fuzzy white hair was straddling his hips rather intimately. He tried to sit up, which made her smile cheekily as they rubbed together. He caught her shoulders to still her movements when she started to gyrate slightly. “Whoa baby, idle that engine for a bit, let’s get to know each other a little better.”

“She’s a tralk, she doesn’t need to know anything about you. You’re male and breathing,” a lumpy, green-skinned person remarked from where he or she hovered nearby in some kind of floating chair. Jack got the feeling it was a he.

The girl in his lap hissed at green guy.

“Where am I?” Jack asked.

“Moya,” five voices chorused around him.

There was a window or viewscreen on the wall. There was a starfield on it. He had apparently jumped to another ship. What the hell was wrong with his wristband? This was the oddest malfunction he had ever encountered.

“Who are you?” he asked the girl that was petting his face and breathing heavily.

“Chiana. Who are you?” she leaned in and nuzzled his ear.

He smiled and inhaled, she smelled good. “Jack. Captain Jack Harkness.” As much as he liked the attention, really liked the attention, he didn’t relish this going any further in front of witnesses. Chiana was undoing the buttons on his shirt, with her teeth. Especially the three or four year old little boy that was sitting up on the console, swinging his legs as he watched Chiana continue to molest Jack. She was licking him now.

“Chiana likes you,” the boy said, pointing out the obvious.

The man that had spoken earlier scooped up the boy and set him on his feet after swinging him high in the air. “Yeah, buddy, Chiana likes almost everybody. Go find Mom.” He then moved to grab Chiana by the elbow and forcibly dragged her off Jack. She let out a mewl of protest and tried to wiggle loose. The man set himself between Jack and the girl. “You might not need details, Chi, but I like to know who we have wandering around Moya.”

Jack climbed to his feet, dusting off his coat. “We’ll continue later, perhaps in private?” he said to Chiana with a wink. She nodded and clambered up onto the console to sit where the boy had been a few minutes earlier.

“Earth?” the man asked Jack, eying his coat.

“Mostly. You?”

“Florida. John Crichton,” Crichton offered his hand and Jack shook it. “How’d you end up on our ship?”

Jack waggled his wrist. “Broken tech. I was aiming for somewhere near Nebraska.”

Crichton laughed, “Yeah, I can sympathize with that. You’re welcome to stay until you can get it sorted out, we’d ask that you help out with some of the work in exchange.”

“I can do that. Heavy lifting, I presume?”

“Some, and some maintenance.” Crichton replied. “Chiana can show you what needs done, later.”

Jack looked over to see his new friend nodding eagerly. He smiled at her, sensing a kindred spirit. She jumped down off the console and grabbed Jack’s hand, dragging him along after her towards the open doorway. “I’ll watch him!”

“Chi!” Crichton called in a warning tone, stopping her in her tracks. She turned to look back at Crichton. “What does ‘no’ mean?”

She sighed, “No means no.” By the tone, it was an oft repeated phrase. “But he’s not going to say no, are you Jack?”

“Uh, well, not as such just yet.” Jack looked over his shoulder to see that Crichton was hiding a smirk behind his hand.

He lasted a fortnight before the Nebari woman wore him out. He was certain he wasn’t walking straight anymore, she might have permanently damaged his anatomy. As much as he had enjoyed romping with the little spitfire, he knew a steady diet of her might just kill him. Sadly, he kissed her one morning and told her he had to go home. She pouted prettily, and dragged him back to bed one more time.

Jack said his goodbyes to the rest of the crew, making a special trip down to say farewell in person to Pilot. They all wished Jack well and told him to come back, if he could. Apparently, they had appreciated him keeping Chiana busy. He promised to try, but told them he honestly didn’t know if he’d be able to find his way back. At that confession, Rygel had tried to bribe him into taking Chiana with him.

But he couldn’t, he really had to get back to duty, and there was no way she would fit in with his life at the Time Agency. He kissed her sweetly one last time and then hit the button before she got the idea settled into her head and they had an uncomfortable scene.

 

~Brussels~  
“I brought form 71C, signed, in triplicate. I also brought an affidavit from my superior officer and a letter from the repair shop diagramming the malfunctioning circuits,” Jack dropped the chips containing the data onto the desk as he spoke. The quartermaster seemed unimpressed and ignored the chips. Jack sighed.

Time for plan B. Jack slipped a hand into his pocket and pressed a button. A noise erupted in the corridor outside. “What is that?” the sour faced bureaucrat demanded.

“I think it’s the fire alarm.”

The man got up from his desk and Jack followed him to the door. He said a silent apology for what he was about to do. As the man leaned out to look for the source of the commotion, Jack pressed the stunner against his neck and depressed the trigger. He caught him as he collapsed, dragging him back inside the office.

Jack had exchanged his malfunctioning wrist band for another one he had found in a part bin in the workshop’s supply closet. It wouldn’t make sense to trade his fully documented malfunctioning one and have it traced right back to him. He tried not to feel too guilty, after all, he had tried to do things through proper channels. The quartermaster had forced him to regress to his more wicked ways.

He slipped the quartermaster's vortex manipulator off his wrist and replaced it with the non-functioning one. He opened the controls and quickly programmed his own codes in, overwriting the quartermaster’s. He checked it, and he saw his latest mission showing on the receiver. It was working perfectly. Once the good one was securely in place, Jack rolled the man onto his back and waited for him to regain consciousness. It should only take a few minutes.

And then he’d be free and clear.

 

The End


End file.
